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Ye Olde Scribe Presents: Plugging Another Foul Spill
It took damn near an eternity but BP engineers and da Gov finally found a way to tampon-close the splurging, spluttering sludge spewing from deep within cavernous edifice close to the almost bottomless bowels of da ocean.
Jeez, Scribe can do gross out better than most, but that almost made Scribe gag on his own attempt at a gag!
One engineer, let’s call him “Costello,” turns to the supervising government official, “Abbot…” (No second “t,” because he once was a nun before the sex change. Now he’s “ABBOTT!”) …and says…
“We fixed that! Thought we’d never fix it for a second.”
“Well, we’ve got another job to do first in LOU of stopping now.”
“First?”
“Second?”
In unison.
“Oh, no not THAT bit again!!!”
So they went off to fix the most foul, vile spills ever reported on the planet. The vile substance being spewed was so toxic it polluted the planet with a vomit-ous substance; and no one has been able to curtail the flow yet. It is a screeching sound that makes nails on a blackboard seem like a symphony, a jackhammer a violin. Bagpipes literally make music for the angels in comparison. You can literally hear it everywhere.
One can only hope for a case permanent laryngitis before the extinction level event. Or Sarah Beyond the Palin just shuts the HELL up.
Ye Olde Scribe Presents: Web Cam al Qaeda!
by Ye Olde Scribe on Sat, Jul 10, 2010
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Welcome, infidels. Achmed has taken over the mind of Ye Olde Scribe, just like he has the weak, pathetic brain of the infidel who considers himself my master. You WILL go to the new al Qeada website. (http: www.ifIonlyhadabrainanarmalega.org… not NOT real URL.That’s an Islamic porno site. But Scribe is NOT kidding: they do have a new website he will NOT give the URL for. Screw you Achmed!) At the new website we have a live web cam. It’s a body cam.
Get to visit the al Qaeda barbershop where “a little off the top” is NOT just a slogan, and never, ever, “a little.” Or how about the parlor of 71, 51, or however many virgins it is. So hard to remember since my “accident.” Still under construction. You can’t get in unless you’re dead like me and then you still can’t get in because… you’re dead like me.
A “Catch 22?”
SILENCE INFIDEL!!!
Watch as other infidels like Glenus the Schmeckus Beckus, Lush Dimbulbs and other fellow fanatics curse us while demanding your country offers up a never ending supply of Americans to maim, kill and poke their eyes out while going nuke, nuke…
What do you mean I can’t use that phrase, it’s already the property of those who own the rights to the Stooges. I’m gonna KEEEEL YOU!?a hand!
Then the grand finale as the body cam offers an “inside view” as another dead terrorist is created. Give him a hand! A leg! A foot, a brain ….if I only had a brain… (Tries to whistle the tune but he has no lungs so he can’t whistle.)
Web Cam al Qaeda has been brought to you by Islamic Sponge Bob, who REALLY made the Bikini Bottom drop.
Post a comment...Ye Olde Scribe Presents: Well THAT was “Fracked” Up
by Ye Olde Scribe on Sat, Jun 26, 2010
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“Oil’s well that ends well.” OR… “Bend over New York and Pennsylvania while we shove this poison up your…”
You may remember the scene from the old movie. Perhaps his visit for “heart problems” is a sequel? Instead of being on a space station, they’re in an operating room. They see the chest bulge: about to explode.
“Doctor, we have to get in there fast, or this… thing? …will die, and whatever is in there will get out.”
“Yes, nurse, pass me the scalpel. You already passed me your virginity in the closet this morning.”
But before he could cut the patient open a monster called Halliburton busts out of the beast’s chest and kills everyone. Alien in a human skin Biggus Dickus laughs and says from the table: “Back into the chest my pretty. We have many, many more humans to butcher, poison and enslave.”
Post a comment...Pop’s Quiz
by Ye Olde Scribe on Wed, Jun 23, 2010
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“If you get this wrong you’re stupider than the stupidest old man.”
The old drillers and related companies are threatening to off shore elsewhere. We should…
1. Give them whatever they want no matter how many pelicans, fish and humans are threatened by possible spills.
2. Corporations have more rights than humans. Who are we to make sure this doesn’t happen to again before they continue to drill? Bow to your oil covered golden calf master!
3. They want to leave? Fine. They can never do business in America again. Any in country assets will be seized and only released if they are proven: A. not at fault… B. not responsible C. …to have done whatever they could to safeguard our shores, wildlife and people. Otherwise? Sold off to compensate all those who have been hurt, help those Americans connected with said companies find jobs.
Post a comment...Ye Olde Scribe Presents: The Look, the Sound, of THE BEAST
by Ye Olde Scribe on Sun, Jun 13, 2010
Scribe likes being the funny man. Satire. Parody. But there’s nothing funny about this and it must be said.
Black goo approaches the Gulf Coast of Florida, Alabama and Mississippi
666. That’s one of the names the biblical “beast” goes by. But what would the beast look like; sound like? Ye Olde Scribe has seen the beast. Ye Olde Scribe has HEARD the beast. Would you like a description?
This beast can, and does, live anywhere. But let’s put him deep beneath the sea. That’s fitting because the beast has been hidden for many, many years. We all have a little of the beast within us, except Scribe who is as pure as… pure as… OK, Scribe admits he may have some of the beast within him too.
Presently the beast vomits a vile black goo that murders creatures, plant life and people. The beast is toxic. You can see the beast’s actions: painting pelicans in black. The best allegory Scribe can think of was in an old episode of Star Trek: Next Generation where they visit a planet: home to a creature of pure evil arising from a pool of black goo who murders a shipmate. When her death is described by her shipmates it is described as a “senseless.”
You can see the beast’s essence approaching the Gulf Coast, but if you think this all a metaphor: you would be right.
It’s not the oil’s fault. Oil is simply a substance. The beast is enabled by us, and that is the true evil. It is enabled by “drill baby drill.” Enabled by Presidents and other world leaders who make decisions that favor a world ruled by corporations, that turn corporations into people with more rights than actual people. That view all regulations as the evil, instead of the evil regulations are designed to prevent.
The Beast is enabled by those who spew hate over radios and TVs: a substance as black and vile as it can be. Blacker than the deepest, darkest place in space: even inside a black hole, or swimming in what is called “dark matter.” They treat those who disagree with them as less than human. A cur, a feral cat, a slug has more right to exist, and more respect, than those who disagree with them.
These are people who live off creating fear because, deep inside, they themselves are in constant fear. They fear change. They fear the other. And the only way they will ever back off from their agenda is TO MAKE THEM FEAR BEING BULLIES ENOUGH THAT THEY WILL BACK THE HELL OFF.
And all of the above is something this administration fails to understand, is unwilling; or unable, to learn. And if they don’t learn:
God help us all.
Post a comment...Ye Olde Scribe Presents: The Bookkeeper
by Ye Olde Scribe on Tue, Jun 1, 2010
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Cause ya NEVER know where your college degree might take ya!!!
Recently numero 3 at al Qaeda Inc was taken out by a drone. Scribe can think of no news other than yet again another 1, 2 or 3 taken out being more of a DRONE. It’s like taking out #3 roach. YAWN. At this rate yet will achieve only a lot more more number threes. And that goes for Junior or the Somewhat More Noble One. (New Scribe phrase alert!!!) Yet initial reports mentioned he was actually their bookkeeper. So what is it like to be a bookkeeper for an organization like al Qaeda? Thanks to yet another one of Scribe’s spy fly on the wall report, YOS productions presents…
Al Qaeda Bookkeeeper!!! (Or How I What They Don’t Teach You at Business School)
(Since remembering the names of these guys is such a chore… not to mention the spelling… Scribe has chosen easier names, like “Harry.” May Allah forgive him, or at least save him a virgin or two…. or better yet, someone with experience.) (Other Terrorist at start of meeting to bookkeeper… “How’s thing SHEIKH-in Harry?”) Harry the Terrorist Bookkeeper (HTB): Allah wants me to talk to you about our expenses. We’re paying way too much on body bombs. We need to cut back. I mean can we at least get them to hold hands or something, or use Salt Peter? Other Terrorists at Meeting Before HTB was killed (OT): A TV Peanuts-adult-like “Wah, wah, wah, wah.” HTB: No need pulling out your knives and starting for my neck over this. I said SALT Peter. Not “Saint.” OK, well since that question was HEADED in the wrong direction, Allah wanted me ask you about the money we’re spending to get pilots trained. What’s this about paying to teach them to “land?” We didn’t need it before… OT: Wah, wah, wah HTB: Well, OK,so they’ll be hauling Osama, his medical equipment, his “girls” and his fully stocked bar around. They’ll NEED to land, though it seems they could just toss out a few girls to save fuel now and then. No need in getting snippy. Now I also have noticed we’re wasting money on detonators. You need better new recruits. The last guy took out the pot we… in. I mean now we don’t even have a squat pot. And the mess! I’d rather defile a camel than smell THAT. I mean detonators don’t grow on trees. OT: Wah, wah, wah. HTB: No, I don’t see see any “trees” around here. It was a figure of speech. OT: Wah, wah, wah HTB: No I’m not “gay” and into American comedians. I said “figure of speech,” not “figure of Cheech.” Put the knives away, please. OT: Wah, wah, wah. HTB: So you say that “problem” is about to work itself out? (Sound of explosion. Terrorist comes in and announces “Billy Bob” has gone to meet Allah.) HTB: What’s that smell??? (Everyone starts to gag.) HTB: You didn’t tell us that he was going to get the camels back from where they… now we’ve got to clean THAT up! What are we going to use to pay for cleaning that unholy mess? We need money for guns, suitcase nukes, gas, WMD of all kinds, and those pamphlets we drop saying “Uncle Terror wants you!” One of your recruits even took out the guy who posed in the Uncle Sam suit. And that guy was carrying the last stack of smiley face stickers. Do you know how many recruits that brought in just because they thought it was “cute?” Shoe bombs? Smoking Nissans? Did anyone even check to see if that truck on Times Square was old enough to smoke? You’re all bad terrorists!!! Bad, bad, bad. Allah’s ashamed… OT: Wah, wah, wah… HTB: Oh! Muhammed is here? Outside the tent? Just outside the encampment? He wants to speak to me? To ME??? About adding two extra virgins named Olive and Oyl to my reward? I’ll be right back. Stay right here. There’s more I need to talk about. HTB leaves. Inside the tent you hear snickers and, in the distance, you can hear a… DRONE
YOS Presents: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
by Ye Olde Scribe on Sun, May 30, 2010
“A beautiful spam-driven commentary called ‘perception.’”
Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. two thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After three minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.
4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.
6 minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.
10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.
45 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only six people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.
1 hour:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before. Joshua Bell had sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.
This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities.
The questions raised:
*In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
*Do we stop to appreciate it?
*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made,
How many other things are we missing?
How many special persons pass us by and we do not MAKE ANY EFFORT TO get to know them?
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…
by Ye Olde Scribe on Tue, May 18, 2010
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“I knew an old lady who swallowed a Python. Why-thon? Cause she hated those John Cleeses meeses to pieces.”
-something Monty “Not Python” Hall probably wished he’d said, but didn’t
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span…”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform… How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Now life has now been explained to you.
Finally… THE TRUTH!
by Ye Olde Scribe on Fri, May 14, 2010
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“Rewarding those with the balls to make the true call.”
Post a comment...His every action drips of conciliation, compromise, gradualism and incrementalism. The conservatives take miles of ideologically territory and convert it into the status quo. Then Obama brags about converting inches back. This isn’t change we can believe in. This is pocket change.
Cenk Uygur (If you DARE read more.)
Ye Olde Scribe Presents a Slightly Politically Incorrect Joke
by Ye Olde Scribe on Fri, May 14, 2010
“Another spam provided some anonymous internet Sam I am”
Post a comment...I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . she asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?” The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”
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by Ye Olde Scribe on Fri, Jul 16, 2010
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