Archive | October, 2008
Ye Old Scribe Presents: Maverick (sic) or; One Hell of a Sick Maverick
Ye Olde Scribe’s Incredible, Inedible Quote Machine
“Don’t eat it. Read it. Cause ya can’t be too chew… see.”
For example, in a Weekly Standard column titled “McCain versus the juggernaut,” neoconservative pundit William Kristol warned that an “Obama-Biden administration — working with a Democratic Congress — would mean a more debilitating nanny state at home and a weaker nation facing our enemies abroad.” It takes a deep obliviousness to reality for an ardent Bush supporter to be sounding the alarm about the “nanny state” at the same time that his beloved president and party are solicitously spoon-feeding their wailing Wall Street brat out of a $700 billion jar of Gerber’s.
And…
This is not a “movement” that means anything that anyone can explain. As Christopher Buckley, the son of the late William F. Buckley, intellectual father of modern American conservativism, put it in a much-discussed piece in the Daily Beast announcing his support for Obama, “I no longer have any clear idea what, exactly, the modern conservative movement stands for. Eight years of ‘conservative’ government has brought us a doubled national debt, ruinous expansion of entitlement programs, bridges to nowhere, poster boy Jack Abramoff and an ill-premised, ill-waged war conducted by politicians of breathtaking arrogance. As a sideshow, it brought us a truly obscene attempt at federal intervention in the Terry Schiavo case.”
Finally… the TRUTH!
“Why did it take so ^%$#@ long for someone to say it?”
Does she have the most annoying voice ever? It’s like a dental drill combined with a band saw…
-Stephanie Miller on Appalling Palin
Anyone who claims gas prices aren’t being raised and lowered for political reasons probably works for, or is invested in, Shell, Mobil, Hess…
-A-non-E-Moose; found on the web
Ye Olde Scribe Presents: Maverick (sic) or; One Hell of a Sick Maverick
“I don’t give a %$#@! if I’m not doing it right, get that camera on me NOW, and move Joe the Plumber over there. Joe! Come on up here Joe. I know you’re out there… Joe? Joe?
“Look, John,” James Garner said, “‘Joe’ isn’t here: you screwed up again. Besides, Joe is just some fake plant made out of cheap pvc. We’ll go out and get some if it makes you happy. (McSame nods, “Yes,” Garner yells out “PROPS!” …and Rabid Rove; dressed as Wiley Coyote, goes out to get some.) Now, can we focus on your part? I played this role before and Maverick isn’t some old codger hot head; he’s smooth, clever and never wanders…”
(“Wiley” Rove is back and has quickly made a plant out of pvc.)
“Can we call him Tito the Deconstruction Worker now, or call… him… George JUNIOR, the Butcher?”
(Garner doesn’t notice at that point McSame is pointing off stage, where Junior pops out and waves…. wearing a hockey mask bloodied by all who died due to his decisions.)
“Call him whatever you want, John, he’ll still be some fake, phony, plant.”
McSame starts mindlessly wandering around the set.
“John! Hey!” (He whistles at the ole fu.)
“Sorry, James, I was looking for my dog Puddles to give him….”
(Sound of something leaking onto the studio floor and “Joe” falls apart.)
“Guldern it, John… you’re gonna give me another stroke. If you can’t stop wandering, you can’t control your temper, at least put some Depends on and then sit down. This is the card shark scene where you con everyone into thinking you’re a straight talker. Oh, stage hands? Can you lean this mess up and put ‘Joe’ back together so John will be happy?”
The Silly Savage Weiner, Dimbulb, Mucked up Malkin and Handjob Hannity, wearing Larry, Moe, Curley and Shemp masks, rush out with mops, brooms, ladders, fire hoses, shovels… it’s a typical Stooge act as they slip, fall, twist noses, bop each other. Michelle willingly takes most of the abuse with an airhead smile because that’s how Neo Thugs LIKE their women… and Michelle obviously likes attention no matter how idiot-like she acts to get it.
Meanwhile McSame is practicing his “suave” card game talk to convince players he’s not conning them.
“John, did I hear that right, you said you think we need ‘Socialism’ too? You keep fumbling and going off script. That’s NOT in the script dern it, you… wait, what’s that sucking sound, and who keeps crying out for ‘Trig?’ … Sarah, get out from underneath that table!”
“Sarah, do you even know where ‘Trig’ is?”
“Yeah, ‘Trig’ is the math course I never took because Al… gee… bra was too hard. But I do division real well.”
“Oy, is he lost AGAIN?” Garner slaps his forehead… “He’s your down syndrome kid… or someone’s…. better find him.”
“You betcha,” she says as she wipes the creamy stuff off her mouth and walks off. McSame zips up.
“And they call me, Rockford, a ‘Space Cowboy?’”
Biggus Dickus comes on stage with a shotgun and shoves the 10 shoves it into Garner’s mouth as he whispers into his ear. Garner sighs. Biggus walks off stage, smirk on face. But at the last moment the glare of the lights hits his Biggus head. Everyone shields their eyes, except The Oh, So, Silly Savage Shemp Weiner who has been watching the production, slightly off stage, wearing his Shemp mask, but dressed as if he were a very bad version of a character out of a Bram Stoker book. The Savage Shemp Weiner hisses, and then sizzles into nothingness. Why? Because he’s always been a blood sucker. Didn’t you KNOW that?
“OK, I’ve just been told you’ve been assigned a new director… the next movie ‘Maverick.’ Mel; the Jesus snuff film, Gibson has demanded we alter the script. So just say this John… say, ‘redistribution of wealth.’ If you don’t say that say, ‘socialism.’ If you don’t say that say ‘elite,’ or ‘measure the drapes,” say… John… JOHN (He’s wandering again; his arms waving like those little arms on a dinosaur. Makes sense. He IS a dinosaur, though his “stinc…t” needs to be more “ex.”) JOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHNNNNN… gul… gul… DAMN IT. See what ya did John, ya made me actually swear. Oh, what do I care, I’m outta here. Stage hands! Clean up again! (They stumble on stage, minus the now deep fried Shemp Weiner. Fried Weiner… Oh, BOY!!!) Sarah, I said stop sucking up… did you find Trig yet? What do you mean who is ‘Trig,” culsern it…. this is Republican ‘family values? …and get away from Dimbulb’s… don’t care what you want to do in 2012…”
And on, and on, the production goes: where it stops nobody knows; except certain little furry creatures. The day before election day gerbils will attempt to conquer the planet. Gerbils conquering the planet? Give Scribe a break. Under any other administration this wouldn’t even qualify as less than an amber alert. But they quickly win because Junior attacked the problem by declaring a national emergency, canceling the elections, and claiming Barack and “his people” should “go back where they belong” instead of trying to win some fixed election. Hey, if the boy-King can attack Iraq when some tall buffoon in Afghanistan supposedly attacked us… it’s just the kind of thing Junior would do; distracting us all… snatching victory from the jaws of defeat AGAIN. The gerbils win. Neos declare “Mission Accomplished:” as they always do every time Junior screws up. The gerbils drag us off; except Mike Malloy who lives in some cave with Molly and Kathy. He takes more than an occasional pot shot at the gerbils and their slave savant Neo Con soldiers. After that, the rest of us live in cages with little exercise wheels for the rest of humanity’s existence.
This is what we get for being so stupid we let ReTHUGlican’s lord over us.
On the bright side… the gerbils will eventually slaughter their worse than useless Neo Con slave savants and that nasty FOX; serving us their carcasses every Thanksgiving in captivity, stuffed with boiled balls and breasts of talking heads. YUM! Can Scribe get seconds?
Before You Take This Medication
“Warnings for consumers of Scribe-based humor.”
Patients are warned that if your funny bone is tickled more than a half an hour you read way too damn slow. If you get an erection that lasts longer than four hours… you selfish bastard. DID YOU BRING SOME FOR THE WHOLE CLASS? If you feel faint while taking this medication please use more than a number .05 pencil.: you’ll feel less “faint;” the downside being you’ll have stronger strokes. Stroke. Stroke. Heart monitor goes nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn… If you have a severe pain in the chest then maybe you shouldn’t have eaten that industrial size bucket of Atomic Wings at Quaker, Steak and Lube? If you find your balls seem smaller from this medication then find a woman with bigger lungs to blow them back up. If you find this medication mocks you, then open your ears goddamned ears: maybe you’ll learn something; Mr. O’Lielly.
Liberaltopia’s Caption THIS for October 31, 2008
by DJ Allyn on Fri, Oct 31, 2008
It is time for our daily activity of taking a photo and adding our own caption to it. So put on your wit-caps and
Caption THIS:
Obama Infomercial
by DJ Allyn on Thu, Oct 30, 2008
Here is the Obama Infomercial that has the Right wing crying. Hannity attacks it for being “Oprah-like” and “embarrassing”. (Clue to Hannity: ‘embarrassing’ is a subjective emotion. If you fell embarrassment, then it is because of something YOU have said or done)
Yes, this video was done very well. It has great production values, and it was “scripted” as Hannity so helpfully points out. (Another clue to Hannity: do you see that teleprompter with those words on it that you read? That is a script. Do you see that instant message dohickey on your computer monitor there? Those are the real time talking points you are getting from Mark Levine because you can’t come up with any of this on your own) This video accomplished what it set out to do: speak directly to the average Joe and Jane independent that hasn’t quite made up their minds yet.
Now the Right wing is complaining because this infomercial was done so well, and because Obama dared to have a lot of campaign donations left over to do something like this. If I understand people like Hannity right, he would have much rather seen this video shot with a Super 8 camera with a tape recording voice-over — if done at all.
Grumpy McCain and Larry King reminded me last night of the two old muppets in the gallery on the Muppet show as McCain started complaining about Obama’s “broken promise” to him about discussing campaign financing. Does he really think that people give a damn, or that if the roles had been reversed McCain wouldn’t have done exactly what Obama did?
http://djallyn.org/media/obamainfomercial.flv Post a comment...Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong
by DJ Allyn on Thu, Oct 30, 2008
1. Being gay is not natural.
(And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning, tattoos, pierc?ings and silicon breasts)
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay.
(In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall)
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.
(People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next)
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all
(Hence why women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal)
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed
(And we can’t let the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed)
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.
(So therefore, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our population isn’t out of control, our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children)
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children
(Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children)
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion.
(In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America)
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.
(Which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children …and why we ensure every parent is a perfect role model)
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms.
(Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans)
Post a comment...The Tattlesnake – Obama Infomercial Seals the Deal Edition
by RS Janes on Thu, Oct 30, 2008
While the Tattler doesn’t usually like the kind of wan-music-in-the-background soft emotional porn of the ‘Oprah-ized’ infomercial, Obama’s half-hour spot Wednesday night avoided most of the worst aggravations of this TV cliché, especially the forlorn solo piano music sound track with flourishes of swelling strings redolent of tacky video matchmaking and cancer treatment center ads.
It featured battleground-state stereotypes – a laid-off white male Ford Motors worker, a Latina woman trying to make ends meet, an elderly black couple hampered by chronic illness and worried about the future, et al — struggling with life in Bush’s downsized economy, but at least the people were real and their stories didn’t sink into cheesy Lifetime-channel melodrama; Obama’s interspersions in office surroundings reminiscent of Camp David were obviously intended to make the Low-and-Slow-Information-Voters of Middle America, awaiting the ballgame, feel comfortable with him as president, which was the main point of this smart $4 million investment.
Obama laid out his economic plans clearly, appeared mature and confident, and didn’t, as I recall, mention Sen. McMoribund or the Ice Princess even once. Contrast this with tone-deaf McCain’s free hour on Larry King following Obama’s spot – in a country thirsting for unity and a different direction, he mostly griped about Obama and reprised the half-baked GOP themes of the past four election cycles, although he finally admitted he really didn’t believe his Democratic opponent was a socialist, negating all of the frantic rhetoric emanating from his campaign to the contrary. (Incidentally, if you know anyone who supports McCain, ask them exactly what he plans to do about the economy that is fundamentally any different from what Bush has done.)
Bill McInturff, McCain’s lead pollster, claims he has internal numbers that contradict the national polls showing Obama way ahead – he proclaimed that McCain was “functionally tied” with Obama (whatever that means), but didn’t comment on why, if that’s true, McCain has been forced to spend money defending states that have safely been in the Republican column for decades, including his home state of Arizona. (Perhaps McInturff has been consulting the same secret figures Karl Rove used in 2006 when he boasted to an NPR reporter that the Republicans would hold Congress – “You may end up with a different math, but you’re entitled to your math, I’m entitled to the math.” Two weeks later, the GOP was blown out by the Dems in the off-year election. Following the drubbing, it leaked that Rove’s fatuous optimism was merely a ‘job requirement’ and not based on any inside information – in other words, ‘the math’ was entirely in his head.)
McInturff’s private polls notwithstanding, and barring a monumental screw-up by Obama or Biden, or some sort of, at this point, impractical and impracticable mass voting treachery by the GOP, you can get used to saying ‘President Obama’ after next Tuesday.
Wednesday night’s well-produced infomercial sealed the deal.
Post a comment...Liberaltopia’s Caption THIS for October 30, 2008
by DJ Allyn on Thu, Oct 30, 2008
It is time for our daily activity of taking a photo and adding our own caption to it. So put on your wit-caps and
Caption THIS:
Here We Go Again
by Ken Carman on Wed, Oct 29, 2008
When will Dem leaders start taking this seriously, and stop waiting until election time to even say anything about it? On Tom Hartmann this morning, Thom mentioned that there are reports out of Florida that “Democrats” are calling registered Democrats offering to pick up their ballots. You call back the number they called from and find out you’re calling the Republican Party headquarters. None of the ballots picked up so far have been accounted for. (Surprised?) Here is the only thing I could find on the web so far…
“Failure to deliver absentee ballots. ‘Volunteers’ in Florida are picking up absentee ballots from Democrats and not delivering them.”
Why is it every election they wait until the last moment to even mention these efforts, and after the election they do little to nothing. The claim I have heard is people will stop voting, but if all this goes on: vote flipping, easily hackable: proprietary software owned by electronic vote machine companies connected to one party, Florida ballots that list what party you are registered to so they know which ones to throw away, robocall threats and lies with the direct intent of keeping another party from voting, caging, small numbers of ballot boxes in Democratic areas: more than needed in Republican, “Democrats vote the next day” circular… what the hell difference does it make if people don’t vote? You can’t “swamp” any system that corrupt, especially when the media will buy any excuse made for why results aren’t what was predicted.
There’s no polite way to type this: this is corrupt bullshit of the worst kind perpetrated by traitors who should be hung in public until the vultures pick their carcass clean.
Liberaltopia’s Caption THIS for October 29, 2008
by DJ Allyn on Wed, Oct 29, 2008
It is time for our daily activity of taking a photo and adding our own caption to it. So put on your wit-caps and
Caption THIS:
More Votes than Swag
by DJ Allyn on Tue, Oct 28, 2008
Comments Off
Maybe the Right should investigate this as some kind of voter fraud. Too many supporters, not enough swag?
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by Ye Olde Scribe on Fri, Oct 31, 2008
1 Comment