Archive | November, 2009
The Tattlesnake – The Tiger Woods Rumor Theater Edition
by RS Janes on Mon, Nov 30, 2009
“The Tiger’s Fuzzy Tale”
A short one-act play featuring Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Woods.
ELIN WOODS: “So you’re telling me you haven’t talked to that woman in six months!”
TIGER WOODS: “Absolutely, babe, I broke it off completely.”
EW: “You filthy liar! I checked your cell phone and there are three calls to her just today!”
TW: “Ulp!” [Audible gulp] “Look, I’m getting out of here until you’re more rational. I can’t talk to you when you’re crazy like this.”
[Tiger exits room with EW in pursuit. As she leaves, EW grabs a golf club from a bag by the door.]
EW: [Enraged] “Don’t you walk out on me, you lousy bastard!”
TW: “What are you doing with that club?! [EW swings and hits TW's arm with the club.] “OWWWW! What the hell are you doing?!”
EW: “You’re not running out on me, you little creep!”
TW: [Getting into his black Escalade and starting it up] “I’m not running out on you – I’m just going out for a drive until you calm down. Oh, Jesus, my arm is numb – how do you expect me to play golf with a numb arm?!”
[TW quickly drives off. As a parting shot, EW hits the back window of the Escalade with the golf club, shattering the window.]
TW: [Yelling out the driver's side window] “You crazy bitch! Take a chill pill!”
[Moments later there is the sound of a car crashing at the end of the drive. EW runs to where the Escalade has hit a tree.]
EW: “Ha, ha – serves you right you steaming pile of crap!” [Mood changes to concern] “Wait, are you hurt, Tiger?”
TW: “My arm isn’t right where you HIT IT with the GODDAMN GOLF CLUB, but I’m okay otherwise, just a couple of scratches. Shit, just look at my friggin’ car!”
EW: “You’d better go to the hospital. I’ll call 911.”
TW: “Wait, wait! Don’t call yet. You realize if it comes out what we were fighting about you can kiss $20 million in endorsement deals good-bye. We need a good story to tell the cops first.”
EW: [Skeptical] “Yeah, sure, what kind of story could cover your arm and the shattered back window? I want to hear this.”
TW: “I’ve got it – I had the car accident, hurt my arm, passed out cold, and you smashed the back window to courageously save me!”
EW: “Why would I smash in the back window to save you? Wouldn’t I smash a side window? Besides, there’s nothing wrong with the driver’s side door – wouldn’t I just open that and get you out?”
TW: “Hey, I’m Tiger Woods — people love my ass. Nobody’s going to ask questions like that! You just stick to the story and we’ve got it made!”
EW: “Okay, I’m calling 911.”
[The End?]
© 2009 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
What about the wildlife?
by Ana Grarian on Mon, Nov 30, 2009
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Herd About It?
by Ana Grarian
I was dreaming last night about our farm. In the dream I was sitting on the back porch enjoying a cup of coffee and looking down over the valley. The woodlot at the back of the property was golden with fall leaves. The corn field was drying down for harvest. The hayfield was starting to show new growth after third cutting and cows were grazing on the long southern field. Deer were eating the grass along the hedgerow. In the side yard my young apple trees were bent with apples. The grapevines in need of picking. Tomatoes were just about done and the brussell sprouts were looking tempting. Off and on a squeal could be heard from the pig pen as they pushed each other away from the feeder.
In South Carolina we have friends with a small piece of property. It is surrounded by a hundred acres of forest. Soon the forest will be gone. Developer’s are moving in to build a new “community”. First the logger’s will come in and harvest the best logs. Then the bulldozers will push the rest into big piles where they will be burned. The dozers will then sculpt the ground into the developer’s idea of a beautiful rolling landscape. A landscape that just happens to provide for the most allowable homesites for the acreage.
What about the community that already lives there? Oh I don’t mean the people like our friends and their neighbors whose lives will be changed forever by traffic and noise. Though I do have compassion for how they feel about it. I am thinking about the deer and birds, rabbits, squirrels, snakes etc. All those inabitants who have no voice, no vote, no power, and no way to understand what is happening to them.
My dog and I have spent many hours walking through that forest. It is a wonderland. A few hundred feet in you forget that there is a busy road along one side of it. It’s so different from our northern forests with its sandy soil and huge quatrz crystals some the size of small logs.
What do those critters think when the bulldozers start in? Do they look for a place to hide thinking it’s temporary like kids on four-wheelers? Where do they go for the night when they find out their homes are gone? Where do they go to eat when their cover is destroyed?
Is it sort of like 9-11 for them?
Club Update: Escambia Bay Home Brewers
by Professor Good Ales on Mon, Nov 30, 2009
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Pensacola Area
If you have not RSVP’ed Jim Martin for the Christmas Party please do it quickly. We are trying to get an idea as to who will be in attendance so we can get the names on all the $1000 checks that will be given away at the door. Opps, after checking with Santa the $1000 check will have to stay on your wish list (none of you have been that good this year), but it will be a great party and we don’t want you to miss it. If you haven’t already, let us know you’re coming as soon as possible(bring Beer).
It may have been cold but we home-brewers “Brewed” yesterday and ended up with 30 gallons of beer and 10 gallons of cider. We also bottled 5 gallons of Blake’s ShWheat beer with the club’s beer gun. Actually we had a pretty good turnout considering the cold weather. Blake made Pale Ale, Buddy and Kellie made Honey beer, Ryan made a “Big” Brown beer and Laura & I made Hard Cider. We got pointers & support from Mark, Ralph, Sean, Gary, Jill, Tim & Diane, Jim and a couple neighborhood friends.
Mark brought us a few beers that are not available locally and Jill brought several great homebrews that were enjoyed (Even the one wth the peppery spice) by all. We finished just as the sun was setting.Reminders
Saturday the 12th – Christmas Party at Ozone at 4:00pm (Bring Beer)
Friday the 18th – Hot Glass Cold Brew at The Belmont Art Center 5:00pm (We need more beer!)Pat Johnson
850-261-9218
Club Update: Music City Brewers
by Professor Good Ales on Mon, Nov 30, 2009
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Nashville, TN area
Worm’s Way will be moving in January, 2010 to 901 Main Street in East Nashville? The actual opening date is TBA, but we will be operating out of the East Nashville location by February 1, 2010 at the latest. The building used to be a furniture store called Urban Décor. We can’t wait to be more centrally located! Here is a link.
Thanks,
Geoff
This Week’s Time-Wasting Media Obsessions Rolled Into One
by RS Janes on Sun, Nov 29, 2009
Great satire from the William K. Wolfrum Chronicles:
Post a comment...Tiger Woods crashes White House Party as Sarah Palin & Levi fight – All your time-wasting stories mashed into one
November 29th, 2009By William K. Wolfrum
AMERICA – Golfer Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a White House Party yesterday, stopping long enough to get his picture taken with President Barack Obama before getting cracked in the mouth with a three-wood by his wife Elin.
Later in the evening, violence again broke out as Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston had a fistfight over who was dreamier in “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” – Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson. Following the fight, Oprah Winfrey quit her show and several others escaped in a poorly-made weather balloon.
Next Week: Health Care, Afghanistan and other issues will be covered, unless Madonna or Britney Spears do or say something stupid.
Copyright 2009 William K. Wolfrum.
Beer Profile: Otter Creek Russian Imperial
by Professor Good Ales on Sun, Nov 29, 2009
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Profile by Ken Carman
I have enjoyed many Otter Creek brews and this is only a slight exception. Excellent it is, but it could be just a bit more complex roasty grain-wise. It’s a mild distraction from an obviously well crafted: quite roasty, coffee-like quaff’. The hops don’t really pop out at ya, but hey… not exactly expected with all this dark grain. I just think the grain bill could have had less black patent-like sense and more of the various darker grains. Plus the body seems to suffer a tad, once again “for the style.” Needs more dextrinous malt, perhaps? I am amazed this is 10%. You would never know. The aroma is the same: coffee and not much else. Pitch black: I would probably be critical if it was almost anything but… tis a fine offering from an excellent brewer. I just think they played it just a little too safe with the grain bill, at least as presented by the final product. I suggest Old Rasputin by North Coast might give you a bit of a great comparison when it comes to “what should have been.”
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by Professor Good Ales on Mon, Nov 30, 2009
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